The producer walks into the writer’s room, where two writers are sitting at a table, in heated conversation.
Producer: “Five months of strike… It was really quiet around here. Good to see that you are back at work. What are you developing?”
Writer 1: “A remake of The Lord of the Rings.”
Producer: “A remake of The Lord of the Rings? Why remake those movies? They are among the most popular movies of all time!”
Writer 1: “That is the whole point. These movies are really popular. So a remake has a guaranteed audience!”
Writer 2: “Besides, those movies are really, really dated. They are over 20 years old!”
Producer: “That’s not dated.”
Writer 2: “Have you seen them recently?”
Producer: “Yes. I do not understand what is dated about them.”
Writer 1: “They are incredibly patriarchical!”
Writer 2: “It’s all men!”
Writer 1: “White men!”
Writer 2: “Heterosexual white men!”
Producer: “There’s Arwen. And Galadriel. And Éowyn.”
Writer 1: “Yeah, and no one else. And what women are those? Arwen: male sexual fantasy elf! Galadriel: wise woman who speaks in mystic riddles and does nothing in the story!”
Producer: “Éowyn fights. She defeats the Witch King.”
Writer 2: “Yeah, because she wants to be a man. And she almost dies in that fight! She only survives because she is saved by Aragorn! A strong, independent woman does not need a man to save her!”
Writer 1: “So, yeah: three women on one side and many dozens of men on the other side. And all white men! Able white men! No black guys! Nobody in a wheelchair! Okay, there is one dwarf, but that’s it.”
Producer: “There are also a lot of little people. Hobbits.”
Writer 2: “Played by regular white dudes using some camera trickery.”
Writer 1: “And no queer people.”
Producer: “What do you mean?”
Writer 1: “Queer people! Almost half the young people today consider themselves queer! But does this movie ever mention that there are queer people? No! It’s all heterosexual, all the time!”
Producer: “I don’t think these movies are about sex at all.”
Writer 2: “Indeed, the movies don’t mention it because they want you to assume that everybody is heterosexual. Suggesting that that is what is ‘normal’. How are people supposed to feel represented?”
Producer: “Do you think it is necessary for people to feel represented?”
Writer 2: “OF COURSE it is necessary for people to feel represented! People who don’t feel represented will not like the movies! And will complain about them on Twitter. I mean X.”
Producer: “You realize that these movies are really, really popular, don’t you?”
Writer 1: “Among white dudes!”
Producer: “Among the general populace.”
Writer 1: “But mostly white dudes. Think of what we could achieve when we update these movies for modern audiences!”
Producer: “Update them?”
Writer 1: “Yes, update them. Of course, overall the story is pretty good. All that stuff with the ring. And magic. Magic is very popular since the Harry Potter movies came out. So we are not saying that that story should change.”
Writer 2: “…much.”
Writer 1: “Not much, yeah. But we need to bring these movies to the current year. There are easy ways of doing that.”
Producer: “How?”
Writer 1: “Let’s start with the ‘Fellowship.’ Nine dudes. White dudes. Heterosexual white dudes.”
Producer: “People say that there is homoerotic tension between Frodo and Sam.”
Writer 2: “Yes, but at the end Sam marries a girl, to underscore that he is heterosexual.”
Writer 1: “So instead we have Sam marry Frodo at the end.”
Producer: “What?”
Writer 1: “Sam marry Frodo. Don’t tell me that you are homophobic!”
Producer: “No, but…”
Writer 1: “It’s just the end of the movie. People have left the theater by then. Jeez, nobody sits through the last half hour of these movies. They dump the ring into the volcano, eagles fly them home, and then the movie should end within two minutes with Sam marrying Frodo. Over and done.”
Producer: “Well, I suppose it can’t hurt much. It is not as if it is an integral part of the story.”
Writer 2: “Still, the Fellowship. So we now have at least a homosexual couple, but we still have no women, no black guys — and we do have four hobbits. We must mix that up.”
Producer: “I don’t think…”
Writer 1: “Don’t worry, it’s easy. So, we had that excellent TV series The Rings of Power, right?”
Producer: “That series that was universally despised?”
Writer 1: “By white dudes. Forget about them, they are not important.”
Producer: “You have just been arguing that ‘white dudes’ are a core part of our audience.”
Writer 1: “An audience that we do not want. So, to continue: The Rings of Power. That series established Galadriel as an awesome fighter. She killed a cave troll all by herself! In those Lord of the Rings movies a whole party was needed for that, but Galadriel does it on her own. Of course she joins the Fellowship! She wouldn’t stay behind.”
Producer: “That is not in the books…”
Writer 2: “Books written 80 years ago. Dated as fuck! We are talking MODERN AUDIENCES here!”
Writer 1: “So Galadriel joins up. And Arwen as well, of course. Peter Jackson already increased her role a bit in his movies, but as a regular white dude he did not go all the way. Arwen will be there and she will be awesome! She will be a master of the bow!”
Producer: “Isn’t that Legolas’ thing?”
Writer 1: “He can still be there. Arwen can teach him how to use a bow properly. You know, he starts out obnoxious and dismisses Arwen, but then we see that he is a bit clumsy and misses all his marks while she hits the bullseye every time, and then she will show him how to aim and then he gets better and is really grateful and asks her forgiveness for being such a douche. That can be his character arc.”
Producer: “And what will be Arwen’s character arc?”
Writer 1: “She doesn’t need one. She is a woman so she is already perfect.”
Producer: “Adding Galadriel and Arwen… So you want a Fellowship of eleven people?”
Writer 1: “Of course not. In Jackson’s movies it is nine people, but that is already too many. We can dump two of those hobbits. You know, the two that are not Frodo and Sam. We don’t need them.”
Producer: “They are an integral part of the story. They get kidnapped by orcs and…”
Writer 2: “Not when Galadriel is on the team. She killed a cave troll all by herself! Those orcs are no match for her. She will kill them all! And if a few try to run away Arwen will shoot them with her bow. Which means that the orcs cannot kidnap any hobbits, which means that we do not need not-Frodo and not-Sam.”
Writer 1: “So, we dump those two hobbits. Now, we need some variety. We already have a dwarf, fortunately. Still, a dude.”
Writer 2: “We can make Gimli a woman.”
Writer 1: “He has a beard.”
Writer 2: “I read the books, according to the books dwarven women have beards.”
Writer 1: “Sounds good.”
Producer: “Sounds really unattractive.”
Writer 2: “ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND STRONG!”
Producer: “Modern audiences, huh?”
Writer 1: “Modern audiences. Now, we need a queer person.”
Writer 2: “Legolas is definitely queer.”
Writer 1: “Maybe that’s a bit too stereotypical?”
Writer 2: “It isn’t stereotypical enough. Leave it to me. I’ll make Legolas super-queer.”
Producer: “Is that necessary?”
Writer 2: “How else can people feel represented?”
Writer 1: “What will we do with Aragorn?”
Writer 2: “Yeah, that’s a problem. We cannot really get rid of him. Maybe we should just accept one obviously heterosexual white dude in the movie.”
Writer 1: “We can make him black.”
Writer 2: “I thought we would make Boromir black?”
Writer 1: “We can’t make Boromir black! He is the only one of the Fellowship who dies! You cannot have the only black guy die!”
Writer 2: “Okay, then we make Aragorn black and Boromir can be the heterosexual white guy.”
Writer 1: “That works.”
Writer 2: “There is still the Gandalf issue.”
Writer 1: “Hm, yeah… You know, the Fellowship is too big as it is. We remove Gandalf. He is just an old patriarchical white dude anyway. We can have Galadriel fight the Balrog and then sacrifice herself for the good of the party, and then she returns as Galadriel the White and she will be even more powerful than she already was!”
Writer 2: “We cannot call her ‘The White’. White supremacists would have a field day with that. Let’s call her ‘Super-Galadriel’.”
Writer 1: “Done! She will wipe the floor with Sauron! The dude does not stand a chance!”
Producer: “Isn’t the whole point of the story…?”
Writer 1: “Can we still call it the Fellowship? That seems to refer to a boys club.”
Writer 2: “The Sisterhood?”
Writer 1: “It is still more-than-half men.”
Writer 2: “How about ‘Galadriel’s Groupies’?”
Writer 1: “Yeah! It has to be named after Galadriel. She is the most awesome character of the movies!”
Producer: “Shouldn’t it be be named after the Ring? I mean, officially it is ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’.”
Writer 1: “Hm, yeah. Maybe ‘Galadriel’s Ring of Power’.”
Writer 2: “Sounds great. Now, we have to do something about that sword. Anduril.”
Producer: “What’s wrong with that?”
Writer 2: “It is a phallic symbol.”
Writer 1: “Let’s make it a crossbow!”
Writer 2: “Yeah! And, you know, that ring. The associations with marriage. It is rather conservative. Do we want that? Maybe it can be an earring.”
Writer 1: “Or a cockring.”
Producer: “That is going a bit far.”
Writer 1: “People who wear cockrings are part of our audience.”
Writer 2: “Are you sure?”
Writer 1: “No, but why take the risk. We should represent people who wear cockrings. We best make it a complete jewelry set. Some regular rings, earrings, toe rings, a cockring, necklace, bracelets, nipple piercings, the works.”
Writer 2: “Sauron will looks very impressive wearing all of that into battle.”
Producer: “You know, guys…”
Writer 1: “Yes?”
Producer: “I think that I am going to let AI write the next script.”
Writer 2: “What?!”
Writer 1: “AI?!”
Writer 2: “THAT’S IT!”
Writer 1: “We are BACK on STRIKE!”
They march out of the room.
Producer: “That strike cannot last long enough.”
Playful Intelligence 